The Digital Age Parent (repeat)

This week is Cyber Behavior Awareness Week (yes that is a real thing).  I was preparing to write a new post for this week when I thought about a post I published about a year ago on this blog.  I think that the info within this post is still very relevant even though the opening story might be a little dated.  Parents, please take the time to read or re-read this, I think it is a good start to become the Digital Age Parent that you need to be.   After you work through this stuff but still feel like you cold use some “back-up” in monitoring your students online behavior I encourage you to go check out http://www.Zabra.com.

 

Last Wednesday the local high school in my town received a threat through a social media site.  The threat was for Friday, Dec. 21^st, the one week anniversary of the Newtown shooting.  It was also the last day of classes for the school district before the two week Christmas break.  While I am sure there were more threats made at schools all over the nation, it was the reaction of my community that caught my attention.

Once the threat had been found the local police began an immediate investigation into the source and legitimacy of the threat.  While I am not sure of all the work and steps involved in the investigation I strongly believe that those who serve our community as police officers and detectives do not take their job lightly and I do not believe they took this threat lightly either.  This is their home too and I believe that they will do all that they can to insure its safety.  The police department Thursday morning released a statement that I thought was well worded and contained the information that the community needed, no more and no less.  (You can read the whole statement here- http://www.midlothian.tx.us/index.aspx?nid=17)  It basically said that upon investigation it was determined that the threat was not serious and that classes would resume as scheduled on Friday with an increased police presence.

While I found this statement to be comforting, knowing that the students that I work with will be safe when they go to school on Friday, many others did not.  In fact many local parents were outraged at the actions, or lack thereof, by the city.  I heard people claim that school should be canceled out of safety concerns.  I heard parents exclaim that schools need to do a better job at protecting its students.  The fact is that Friday came and went and sure enough, nothing happened.  The city had done its job and had concluded that there was no danger to its students and that life would go on.  The city did its job and people complained, but the true complaint needs to be to parents.

Parents,

When is the last time that you logged into your child’s social networking profiles (facebook, tweeter, instagram, blogs, myspace…I hear it is coming back?)  When is the last time that you looked into the things your child is posting about or commenting on?  Have you ever looked at their friend list or their followers?  If not, then I suggest you read on.  If you are a parent who is in the know in regards to your child’s social networking presence I suggest you read on to see if there is anything you may consider changing.  While I do not claim to be perfect in any of the following, I do believe that this list will at least get you thinking about the world of social media and your child’s involvement in it.  Here is a quick list of things you might want to consider practicing as a Digital Age Parent.

1)      Know the Lingo

2)      Create an account

3)      Have “The Talk”

4)      Don’t abuse the power

5)      Real Relationship Wins

Know the Lingo

As a parent you might feel like the world of language is change faster than you can keep up, and the truth is… IT IS!  As our culture becomes more dependent on social media, the demand for new social jargon increases.  As new “apps” are developed so are new definitions.  As a parent it is important that you understand the things your kids are saying.  You need to know what it means to “hashtag” and “tweet.”  You need to understand why your student is taking a random picture of a butterfly and then spending a few minutes editing it before they “tag” their friend in it.  Knowing the lingo will help you as a parent understand what it is that is motivating your student in the world of social media and will also allow you to pick up on emotional “red flags” in their everyday conversations.

Create an Account  

How do you as a parent expect to know what is going on in the life of your teen unless you are plugged into the life of your teen.  It is important that you as a parent have an account on the social media outlets that your children do.  You need to be familiar with the sites and understand how they work and what tools and privacy settings are available.  This is important for the next suggestion “The Talk.”  Having an account is great, but it will not really be of any major help unless you are a friend/ follower of your teen.  This is where conflict seems to arise for some parents.  A simple request to your student may be all it takes to become a friend or follower, but sometimes it becomes a control issue.  Understand that some teen will see this as you trying to impose on their life and their privacy.  But the truth is it is you trying to understand what they are going through.  Approach this with an open mind and listen to you student if they seem resistant to having you follow them or be their friend.  Being a friend or follower is the least invasive way to know what your student is posting or tweeting.  The information that they release to the world will be at your fingertips and it will allow you to see a side of your student that you might not get to hear from.  But don’t start making demands for your student to delicate content just yet; keep reading these suggestions (“Real Relationship Wins”).

Have “The Talk” (not that talk)

This will be the suggestion that most parents will cringe at and will dread, much like that other “talk.”  I strongly suggest that you know the log in and password information for your student’s social media accounts.  This conversation will most likely be met with some resistance and that is to be understandable.  Remember, YOU ARE THE PARENT, most likely you paid for the computer or phone that they are using, you pay for the internet or data plan they are accessing so why should you not have access to what they are doing with YOUR Service.  I have had too many parents in the past talk with me about how to monitor their child’s social networking only to tell me that they cannot force their student to give up the information.  While I hope you do not need to go to this extreme, you can always turn it all off.  They do make phone call only plans for cell phones, and computers are able to block social media sites form being accessed.  Again, I hope that your student is not resistant to this point, but remember the tools that you have available and use them if needed.  If your student is overly resistant to giving you login information, it might be safe to assume they have something on their site that they DO NOT want you to see or know and that should be a concern of yours.

Ps. Once you have this info, be sure to watch the activity that is taking place on your students site.  If you notice that what was once a page with multiple updates and post a day and is now only updated every couple of days, you might want to check in to see if your student has created another account that you do not have access to.  If this happens, you may need to take additional steps to becoming a digital age parent.

Don’t Abuse the Power

Just because you have the log in information does not mean that you need to spend all your available time in your students account.  In fact, that is not the purpose at all.  The real power in having the log in info is that your teen knows you have the login info.  There is power in simply being your students “friend/ follower” as well, as they will know that “if I post this my parents are going to see this…”  The fact that you have the log in info will always be in the back of your students mind and may help in deterring online behavior that they may have otherwise done without thinking about it.  And that is the key point!  The goal of all of this is to encourage your student to think about what they are posting online for the world to see.  Teens have a hard time distinguishing what is appropriate for their online presences because they feel that it does not really affect them as a person.  But once a real person with some sort of authority is paying attention, that mind set seems to shift a little and they just might think twice before posting that picture from the weekend.  This does not mean that you never login.  I suggest that you log in with your student at time, don’t tell them before hand, just call them into the kitchen and sit with them while you log into their account.  This will remind them that “oh yeah, they can see everything I am doing” and might remind them to think.  I would suggest that you never remove anything or change anything while you are on your teens account (unless it is something that might cause immediate danger or harm to your teen.)  If you see something that you do not like and that you want to see gone, talk about it.  Find out why it is on the account, what your teen was thinking when they put it there.  Listen to the reasoning, but don’t let it change your mind.  You must stand firm on what you see as appropriate social media content and what is not.

Real Relationship Wins  

While I have given you more than enough information to think about I want to leave you with one truth that will never change regardless of what age we live in.  Real Relationship will always be the vital piece in parenting.  It is great to be a facebook friend or a tweeter follower, but you must always remember to be a parent first.  Take time to be present in your kid’s life.  Listen to them when they talk and participate in the things that they enjoy.  Let them know that they are your child and that their well-being is what is most important to you.  If you have a relationship that is healthy and you invest into, then chances are you will not need to worry about the social media sites, because they will tell you they’re feeling before they tell the world.  It is not the responsibility of your local police or school system to protect your child, it is yours.  Yes, it takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a parent to build a home.  Please, don’t allow your child to turn to the world of social media to find identity, help them identify themselves.  That is your Challenge Today… Impact Tomorrow.

-Steven

Its over… How do you move on?

Well, here it is again… The end of summer is right around the corner and it will be back to the class room for our students before you know it.  As a youth minister I spend a lot of my time in the months outside of summer getting ready for summer. I have trips to plan and events to coordinate.  But for what?  So many student ministries pack their calendars during the months of June, July and August with camps and retreats and mission trips.  Youth pastors spend countless hours planning and mapping to insure a smooth and “successful” trip.  But for what?

It has been a long time since I posted on this blog, mostly because I have been busy with summer, but today I want to make sure that I come back with a bang!  Here is what my summer as a youth pastor was all about and what I want all students (and parents) to hear.  My summer was about my God and serving him with my life.

This summer was a great year for the student ministry at Creekside Church here in Midlothian, Tx.  We had a great church camp, climbed a mountain and even did some hot sweaty work in New Orleans.  Teens worked in VBS leading young kids through a backyard adventure and we had a lot of fun just swimming or hanging out at Six Flags.  The summer was fun, but what was it for?

I cannot speak for all of my teens or their families, but this summer was created for something, and I don’t mean what I created.  God created this summer for something special and I was blessed to be a part of it.  I could fill this time talking about where our kids met God over the past couple of months and how he changed lives, and while that was amazing that is not the point of this post.

You see, we can talk about the amazing summer but the truth is that was the past.  We can look back and see what God did in our lives or we can do something else, I prefer the something else.  The God that we encountered this summer did not just show up for the summer.  I heard many teens throughout different events talk about how they just love the opportunity to get away and be with God and it bothered me.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved that they were in a place that they could feel God’s presence in their lives, but I did not like the fact that they felt the only time they can feel that is when they are on some youth group trip.

TEENS HEAR THIS!  The God that you felt at youth camp, or mission trip or on some mountain in the wilderness is still near, you just have to take time to be near him.  The reason that we feel God more on “church events” is because we are thinking about him and people are talking about him.  It was amazing to see students come to tears as they thought about how amazing their God is.  The words of peace and hope and love that would flow from their mouths were like music.  The unity that was experienced was moving and unbreakable… until we left and came home.

We do a really good job of having “experiences” with God.  Those little moments that we actually set aside time and listen.  But I believe God desires more than just the occasional “experience.”  We are called to live our life immersed in His grace and allow it to change our life!  Experiences are for theme parks and concerts, a life with God is so much more than a brief experience.  So many ministry leaders are guilty of leading through experience.  We invest so much time in creating the perfect worship set list, establishing the perfect lighting and motion back grounds.  We write and rewrite our words to draw every ounce of emotion from our audience in hopes that it takes them to a place with their God.  Student leaders work to build programs and events that are exciting and intriguing.  We construct an opportunity to lead students into an experience with God that we hope will be life changing.  We are really good at leading through experience.  In fact we are so good at the experience that many of us spend our time between experiences waiting for the next experience and in doing so we miss God.

 In preparing for the next experience we miss His voice.  We disregard His hand.  We turn away from His face because we are busy getting ready for what is next.

This school year don’t waste it looking forward to next summer’s “experience.”  Remember to slow down and listen.  Get together with that group that was so close together and build each other up.  The God that you experienced is wanting more than just a few weeks, He wants your life.  He wants to shower you in his grace, lift you from the pits that this world is so good at dragging us into.  Take time to sing praises for no other reason than God is Holy.  This summer I hope was an amazing one for you and your family.  But I ask you, what was it for?  Was this another great summer with some really good experiences with God?  Or was this a summer that you brought you and God together forever?  This summer reminded me how to live.

Blessings,

Steven

Where is God?

As I sit in my office I watch the clouds slowly build darker and darker.  The winds are calming and you can feel the coming force building in the air.  All of the North Texas area is under some type of watch or warning as the storms build.  People are worried what might be awaiting in the clouds after seeing the destruction that hit our neighbor Oklahoma just yesterday as tornados tore through neighborhoods and schools.

 As I watched the reports of the destruction I was amazed at the damage caused over such a big area, but more than the destruction I was amazed by the people.  I am the type of person that is always interested in the response of people in times like this.  I like to see what peoples first reactions are and then compare them to the reactions of people after they have had time to take it all in.  The reports that came from the people of Oklahoma were, well, uplifting.  I know that is hard to believe, but that is what I felt.  I saw people who had just lost everything they own yet they were thankful to God for protecting them.  Entire communities had been wiped off the map and the people were holding each other thankful that they were alive.  The people of Oklahoma understand that sometimes, bad things happen, but you can always rebuild.

I was most frustrated by people that I follow on Facebook and twitter.  People who are not from Oklahoma, and probably have never been.  People make claims that these storms are the product of something evil, as if these people deserved it.  Lizz Winstead frustrated me with her tweet that was sent while the tornado was still on the ground, making it sound as if nature is against selective groups because of their beliefs. 

   

While her comment would later be apologized for, it is the corruption of human nature that frustrates me the most.  I saw countless people cry out for God to intervene from people all over the country.  Hundreds of people prayed while the tornado ripped through the state and then when it was all over those same people spoke out of frustration and anger as they asked where God was in the time of the storm, as if he did not hear their cries.

This morning as I watched to news as my 2 year old ate his oatmeal and my 8 month old played on my lap my heart hurt for the people who will now have to rebuild their lives.  As I sat there listening to the stories of the people climbing from the ruble I realized that prayers were answered.  In fact, for some people “God answered both of my prayer.”  As we stand on the outside looking in it is easy for us to question God’s whereabouts.  Why he did not stop the storm, or maybe even why he caused it.  But when you are in the storm with the people, you see where God really was.

I believe God is in control of everything, and I mean everything.  To believe otherwise is to say that God is not all powerful and all knowing.  I do not believe that the storms are an act of an evil force because that would say that God is not in control of evil, which I believe he has already defeated.  I am saying all of this to say that God was not absent in the time of the storms but he was present in them.  God protected his people, and their dogs.  He answered the prayers of those that he was sitting with, he protected them.

 So what about the storms, why the destruction?  I don’t think I can give you an answer, but let me lead you to this.  Romans 8: 18-25

¹⁸I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹ that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

²² We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴ For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

God is not using storms to destroy us, Nor is evil in control.  Our world is a broken place, and even creation suffers.  I am not going to attempt to give any answers, because I am not wise enough to do so, but I will give you this. 

Do not lose yourself in the destruction, because that will lead you to despair.  Do not seek for your own understanding because that will lead you to foolishness.  Do not search for where God isn’t because when you do you will miss where God is. 

Yes, the pain that the storm caused was great but I believe that the Glory of God is greater, and in all things that is what I will seek.  My thoughts and my prayers go out to all those affected by the storms in Oklahoma and I pray peace and safety on all of us here in North Texas today as the storms move through. 

Let us take a moment to be still and know God is with us.  CLICK HERE

Blessings,

Steven Adair

   

The 6 Minute Impact

Hand written letters are a lost art these days.  With the world of e-mail, texting and social media the hand written note seems to be obsolete. While eating lunch with a group of 7^th graders a few weeks ago I asked them if any of them ever write notes to friends.  Most of them said that they just text or send them something on instagram, but still think that a hand written note is better.  I asked them why and they simply said “It takes time to write a note by hand, and time means that you care.”

Time means that you care!? Great words of wisdom from a group of 7^th grade girls.  While most of them confessed to never writing a hand written note of gratitude or encouragement they did confess that they would like to receive one.  That got me to thinking…  How many notes have I sent out?  According to this group a hand written note means more, not because of the words or the paper or the stamp… But because it took time.

I wrote a note before writing this post just to see how much time it takes.  Now my note writing process is longer than most because I am the worst speller in the world (ask my 4^th grade teacher, she once held up my paper to the class to show them why studying is important… I got every spelling word wrong…).  Since I cannot spell to save my life, I write everything out in word and then copy it by hand onto the card.  Crazy, I know.  But even with my added step, the note only took me 6 minutes to write.  5 lines of encouragement, thankfulness and love took me only 6 minutes to think up, type up and then write down.  6 MINUTES!  For some of you parents it takes you longer than 6 minutes to write a 10 word text.

So what is the point of this post?  Glad you asked.  In working with parents and teens I witness the dialog that takes place between them on regular bases. It is always interesting to see how they interact, very short sentences and normally in a question/ response format. They are quick and abrupt.  Now I know that the conversations that I witness are public, so I am making a big judgment call here, but I have a feeling that is how the majority of parent/ child conversations go in the home as well.  As a parent how does that make you feel?  Are you satisfied with your communication with your child?  Do you feel like the way you communicate with your child (e-mail, text, phone call, dinner table conversation, ect) is uplifting and loving.  Do you believe that you make your child feel appreciated and loved?  Are they supported and encouraged by the end of your conversations or are they discouraged and annoyed?  How many of your conversations end with one of you saying the empty “I am through with this conversations—“OK!?”

I don’t know how you answered those questions but I am sure that for the majority of you reading this you know your parent/ child communication could be healthier.  While there are hundreds of books and articles online written by people way smarter and much more respected in this field then myself that you could turn to for advice on how to be a better parent communicator, I just want to offer this.  Take 6 minutes.

Take the advice of that group of 7^th grade girls and write a letter, a hand written note.  It is up to you what you say and how long you make it.  Whether you write it on a card or a piece of notebook paper is up to you.  I encourage you to include a few things in this letter.  Mention how much they are loved, how proud you are of them and how they have affected your life.  Follow up with a moment of encouragement maybe a scripture or a good quote.  Try to stay away from empty emotions, phrases like “you mean more to me then you know” or “I love you more than anything.”  While these phrases sound good, they have no substance.  Rather use solid phrases linked to things about your child like, “I am always filled with joy when I see your smile,” or “You make me so proud when you accomplished your goal of (mention goal).”  These phrases have weight because they are relatable to your child and not vague.

Word of warning!  Do not expect a letter in response; in fact don’t expect a response at all.  The truth is, your child will more than likely read it, think about for a few seconds and then toss it to the side. Don’t let that reaction distract you from the emotion that they will/ are experiencing.  There is something powerful in a hand written letter; it brings a feeling that is warm and comforting.  You feel it when you get one and your child will as well.  You might not ever see it or hear it, but inside, your child is expressing a reaction of self esteem and pride that their parent took the time to show them their love.  It is not so much about the words (while they are important) but the fact that you took the time to write them a letter.

I encourage you to make this 6 minute activity a part of your weekly schedule.  In a notebook, on a card or maybe a small dry erase board that you stick to their bathroom mirror start writing your child.  Is this going to solve all the communication problems between parent and child…? I wish, but it will create some very special moments for your child and for you.  Now, I know most of you are probably thinking “yes, I am going to do this” (at least I hope you are) so do it now!  Find a scrap piece of paper and write a note to your child.  Take 6 minutes.

PS. 2 letters are better then 1, so forward this to the other parent and give your child a total of 12 minutes of “extra” time.  Happy writing!

-Steven

Prom Time… and the top 5 things for Parents to Remember

It is coming!!!  Prom is almost here!!!  Since I am a Youth Minister I follow a lot of youth on Twitter.  Let me repeat: I am a YOUTH MINISTER… not a creeper.  Over the past few weeks my twitter feed has been buzzing with all the prom 411.  From dress pics to possible hair styles to limo dreams the world of teenagers everywhere is revolving around prom.  It is an exciting moment in your teenager’s life and they do not want you to mess it up!  And neither do I.

Now before I go any farther let me first say that I do not have a teen going to prom.  While I do have a rock star 2 year old son who would dominate the dance floor and be the next YouTube sensation he was not asked to prom, so everything from here on is simply my advice from a guy who listens to what teens say.  Take it as you will…

For most parents with a child old enough to experience prom, this time of year is either exhilarating or loathsome.  This weekend while my wife and I were out for her birthday I watched girls and their moms make trips to the mall to find that oh so perfect, make your eyes water because you look so pretty “my little baby is all grown up” prom dress.  While I am sure there are some moms who love this and there are some daughters who trust their mom to really know the popular trends for the year, most of what I see is frustration and anger.  It is a conversation that consist of the daughter wanting a dress that is low cut and skin tight and has a slit (yes I am a dude who knows what a dress slit is…) that goes up past mid-thigh and all the reasons why she needs it and a mom who insists that it is too revealing and pricey and tells her she would look much better in this full covering long-sleeve ball gown which is on sell (which I have learned is a store code word for “last year’s style”.  (Thank you to Say Yes to the Dress episodes on Netflix for my vast dress knowledge… oh! My wife is the one who watches…)

Normally this conversation ends up in an argument and the teen yelling something along the lines of “This is MY prom and you are RUINING IT!!!”

Oh the joys….

Now, I know the above story is a not everyone’s experience with prom, especially if you have a boy, in which case if that is your story this blog post will not be very helpful… But it happens enough and if it does not happen over the dress it will happen over the hair, or the makeup or the tux or the restaurant or the limo ride or the after prom party or the after after prom party.  What I am saying is odds are that at some point in this process, you will probably find yourself in a moment of conflict with your prom bound teen, so here are 5 things I want you to think about.

1)      This is not Your Prom

Don’t plan everything for your teen.  Prom is a big deal, it is a moment in life that will most likely be remembered forever, at least you hope they remember it… (More on that in a moment)  So you don’t want your son or daughter 10 years from now thinking back on prom and wishing they had gone somewhere different to eat other then Cracker Barrel because that was the place you set up for them.  Let them make their plans.  Allow them to work within their friend group and figure out the limo ride and the stops they will make.  Be there to help with logistics (ie. Understanding cost, time, liability, ect) but don’t take over.  If you really have a problem with their plan address it, but know you’re actual “Why?” and don’t respond with “Because I said so” (ugh… such a lame parent statement).  Be prepared for an argument because you are interfering with PROM, but counter that with a similar suggestion that you are more at ease with and be uplifting, not over burdensome.

2)      Relax

Prom is a great time, but it can also become very stressful on your teen.  There is a lot riding on Prom.  It is a huge social status event and weather you as a parent want to admit it or not, that is a big deal.  But you as a parent can help with your teen’s stress, by being relaxed.  Nothing is worse than a stressed out teen combined with a stressed out parent, prepare for a storm.  Hear me out here: I am not telling you to tell your teen to relax, I am telling YOU to relax.  It is contagious in a way.  As your teen starts to freak out about something you can be cool and collected and help them figure out a solution.  If you start to stress then it increases their stress and then… well I don’t think I need to tell you what that turns into, but it is never good and something always get broken… (we almost found all the pieces to that old lamp…)

3)      You are Old!

Ok, so maybe not really.  But to your teen you are.  Parents can quickly hijack portions of their child’s life without ever meaning to do so.  You are thinking that you are protecting them but in that protection you take over and start making the calls.  DON’T LET THAT HAPPEN.  Now before you jump all over me hear me out.  It is not the 1980’s anymore, and believe it or not the world has changed.  From styles to customs and decorations this will not be your prom (unless of course the theme is The 80’s, then that just makes you feel old).  Remember that dress I was talking about in my made up scenario?  To a parent it might seem crazy to let their first born beautiful baby girl go out in something like that, but to your teen… It is what everyone else will be wearing, or trying to wear after they convince their parents just like your child is trying to convince you.  For some parents you might need to take a stand on the dress or tux style because your son or daughter may have made some bad choices in the past and may have lost the privilege and your trust to wear “sexy” dresses.  But for others of you, they have been very responsible.  They have listened to you (for the most part) they have respected your rules and have stayed out of trouble and have gotten good grades.  If that is your kid then ask yourself, “Why am I being so protective?”  You might not want your daughter to wear a more revealing dress because in your eyes she is still that little girl, but the reality you must face is, she is not.      Remember when I said Prom is a social status event?  The wardrobe is the start of that status and your daughter is trying to avoid the embarrassment that may come if she has to wear a hunter orange long sleeve ball gown because her daddy could not get over the fact that his little girl has grown up.  DISCLAIMER: I am not encouraging your daughter to wear low cut dresses or to have high slits.  I believe that they need to dress in a way that is respectful to themselves and their own bodies.  I am being over dramatic to push my point to ask yourself, and them the “why” question.

4)      Know your Place   

        Your teen knows that you will want to be a part of this event, and they will probably allow you to if you do not over step your boundaries.  (yes you read that right, Your Boundaries)  Pictures are a great way to be involved in prom without feeling over burdensome.  Also, help out when asked.  Maybe they are having trouble booking a limo because of their age and need a parent, be there.  But here is the part that I want to stress: BE A PARENT!!!

        Unfortunately we have more parents who want to be friends then parents but Prom is not the time for that.  Do not think you are being the “cool mom” by allowing all your teens friends to come over to your house for an after party at which you supplied all the liquor.  You are not being the “cool” mom you are being the “abused” mom.  You are only being used for what you can provide and you are not gaining any respect from for son or daughter or their friends, sure they will like you for the night, but then it will be back to lame parent at sunrise.  Not to mention it is completely illegal.  If you really want your teens to have a great prom while staying safe, then let them know your expectations.  However, this will only be successful if you have a good relationship with your teen.  Rules without Relationship equal Rebellion… every time.  If you do not have a good relationship with your teen, you should start right now to make it right and then maybe you will have some ground to stand on, but if you have let that relationship go off the deep end then the reality is you have no authority to set rules on, at least rules that have a chance to be respected.

5)      Be There to Celebrate!  

Once Prom is over and your teen has recovered after sleeping for 18 hours be excited to hear about the experience.  Maybe go out to eat as a family and ask questions, not probing “so, did you drink last night?” sort of questions but honest interest questions.  Listen and laugh with them.  Share in the experience as a family and rejoice that it was a great night.  And as for those “probing” questions, save them for a later date.  If you really have suspicions about an event give them a little time, it may come out on its own, and if it doesn’t at least you have given yourself some time to think through your actions before reacting.

Well there you have it.  My 5 things for parents to remember during Prom season.  I hope that you have found it helpful and if so share it with your friends.  I believe that this time of year can be a great experience for your teen, and even greater if you are there to make it great!  Blessings to all of you parents and Happy Prom!

Living Life Defined…

I was spending this morning going over my notes for a speech that I will be delivering a couple of times next month to a few different schools called Identity… Don’t live Defined.  As I was working through my notes I was trying to think of a few clever “tag lines” that the audience could really grab on to and I started thinking about how quickly I label people or pigeonhole them.  I can do this in a matter of seconds without ever speaking a word to them or ever taking the time to get to know their name much less their story.

I feel like this has become the root problem to many issues facing our youth today.  Teens today are all about appearance and belonging (ok, so this is not a recent phenomenon) and it has become a very dangerous game in the world of adolescents.  As humans we want to be able to identify things around us.  We do not like living in a world of unknowns because it makes us uncomfortable.  Relationships are the same thing, if we are around new people we begin to get uncomfortable and so we work to identify the new person as quickly as possible.  This in itself is not a problem; in fact it is the natural progression of forming a relationship.  It is not the act of identifying that is destroying our youth it is the fact that our youth are not identifying others at all, they are defining them.

Let me explain the difference, at least how I see it.

To identify someone takes time.  When a new plant or animal is found before it is identified it is examined and time is taken to understand how it grows, works and lives.  Based on the findings it is then classified as its kind and it is known and understood.  This is a process and processes take time.  There are times in which you think you know something only to dig a little deeper and realize that you are not correct (like the Platypus, could you imagine trying to identify that the first time!)  Anyway, the point is that when you are searching for identity it takes time, it is an investment of self to learn about something or someone and it is not always easy.

To define someone is quick.  It is the first impression mentality determined.  It is decided based upon opinion of the information perceived.  You look at an office building and you say “that is a big building.”  It is generic; you don’t know the company’s name that owns it you just know it is a building.  You are not “wrong” but you are not completely right either.  However, you are not uncomfortable next to a building because you feel like you know what it is.  Now take this concept and apply it to people.  If a new student walks into a room others look at them and make a judgment.  It is not that they are trying to be rude, it is just nature, and we want to know who they are.  But we are too busy to take the time to identify them so we quickly define them.  Based on their clothing, their hair style, tattoos, piercings, body odor, acne and body build we make a definition and thus create a world of problems.

If that definition given to a new student is one that students consider “cool” or “acceptable” then they will be given an opportunity to be identified.  Other students will spend time with them, talk with them and share stories with them.  Students will spend time at each other’s houses and get to know families and gain a great understanding of each other.  Through this process true friendships are formed with the people that you relate best with and other friendships will fade in the process.  This is the natural flow of relationship for some, but for others it is a dog eat dog world.

For all of those students who are not as lucky to receive an “acceptable” definition, they live their life defined by the one given to them.  Unwanted “labels” vary greatly from school to school, but some common ones that you would rather not be associated with are the ones we are familiar with: Weird, poor, stupid, fat, slut, gay, weak… and I am sure you can make this list eternal.  The point is there are some labels that students are giving each other that shut to door on them.  When a student is labeled that is what they are known as, weather it is true or not.  Since time is required to build relationships, these “defined” teens normally find themselves alone and questioning their self worth.  People don’t know their story and frankly don’t care to listen to it, and so the “defined” individual begins to think that they might really not matter if no one will even take the time to give them a chance.

I said earlier that I believe this problem is the source to many other issues and here is why.  While labels may not necessarily be earned, many teens, over time, will start to live up to them.  A girl who has been “defined” as “Easy” or a “slut” before anyone even knew her story may, over time; begin to act out in such ways.  It is this false idea that “if I begin to act like the thing they think I am then maybe I will be accepted.”  Since teens want to feel validated, they will act in accordance with their “social rules” even if they do not necessarily agree with them.  Being accepted takes priority over ethics and values and once that happens it is hard to stop destructive behavior.

The other side of this is when teens, to break out of a label, will act in the complete opposite.  A student that is viewed as weak may begin to start fights to show he is strong.  A teen that is seen as being too smart will begin to purposely fail to break away from a label they do not want.  While these methods are attempts to escape the labels, other methods are used to escape the reality of living with them.

I believe that the most common way teens are dealing with living defined lives is by escaping reality using drugs, alcohol or self mutilation.  For many teens this is a solution that is easy and personal.  It is a hidden escape that they can control… until it starts to control them. (a conversation for another time)

While I have heard many people say that there is nothing we can do to keep students from judging and classifying each other, I do believe that there is something we can do to help the students who feel like they must live defined lives break away from them.  I firmly believe that there is a way for teens to escape the world of labels that others have given them without a harmful aid.

I believe that we need to equip our youth with the skills to view themselves as more than a label and live their life based on their own identity.  There is a way for youth to live a life free of definition; you just have to know how to start.  It is time that we quit living our life based on what we have been told we are, and start living life based on what we KNOW we are.

For all you “labelers” out there: “you cannot give a title to a book until you know the story, so why do you try to label a person before you even know their name…”

Challenge Today… Impact Tomorrow

-Steven Adair

My Response to the list of excuses “top 10 reasons our kids leave church”

It has been a few weeks since the article “Top 10 reason or Kids Leave Church” was published on Marc Yoder wordpress marc5solas.  I found it very interesting to read and I spent a lot of time reading through the comments as well.  I always find articles like this very interesting and they normally get me thinking.  But all that I could think while working my way through this article was how it was a list of excuses.

Let me explain.  It is not that I disagree with all of it, in fact he makes points that I do agree somewhat with.  I thought that over all he had some great points that churches and leaders need to focus on, but I feel like he missed the key element.  The reason that students leave church when they grow up is not due to the church being to relevant or not creating opportunities to experience God, it is that for this generation of young Christians, Church is simply not important to those in their life who should be teaching them values and what should be valued in life.

Marc began to hit on this in his final point but he spent 9 points before that leading up to this.  Here is the deal; kids will value church, faith and God if they see people valuing church, faith and God.  It does not matter if the pastor is wearing skinny jeans drinking a latte; if he is honoring God then students will learn to honor God.  Why do churches invest thousands of dollars into creating an experience for kids, because that is the only way they are going to get them in the door!  You can disagree with me all you want, but the truth of the matter is that if you are not offering some sort of experience, then teens will not come.  And yes, truth be told, I will dress in whatever and host bible study in whatever venue to bring students to have the opportunity to hear the gospel, because that is what is important to me and that is what I value.

I do not feel young adults are simply turning their back on church once they leave home, I believe that they were never facing it in the first place, and neither are their parents!

THE reason students are leaving the church is because they have never been a part of one.  Sure they might have attended a church service and spent time hanging out with a youth group a few times a month, but they were never in “Church.”  Parents today do not take on the spiritual responsibility that belongs to them.  They feel like that is what churches responsibility is, to teach their students spirituality.  But the truth is that churches and church leaders have very limited time with the kids who are under their care.  If parents are leaving all the spiritual guiding up to the church, the kids will never feel connected and once they are gone, they will never feel like they need to go back.

Parents must become the spiritual leaders of their kids.  When was the last time that you did a family bible study together?  What about a family service project.  Never?  Then don’t go about posting the article Marc wrote, because those top 10 reasons don’t apply to your kids.  The top reason your child will leave church is you.

Harsh?  Maybe.  But it is the truth.  Parents dedicate more time to helping their child learn to throw and hit a baseball then they do helping them understand the love of God.  Parents will spend hours cheering on their daughter at her soccer tournament, or dance tournament but when it comes to spiritual accomplishments, they are not even paying attention.

And when church does try to help fill the spiritual needs of students with retreats or camps or summer mission trips, parents limit their students due to the cost or the time it will take away from their other activities.  All the while they spend hundreds of dollars on new cleats, duffel bags and computers to make sure their little babies have the best equipment to be their very best and look their very best.

And what about example?  If parents are leaning on church to be to sole provider of their child’s spiritual growth, then maybe they should be there as well.  In speaking with fellow youth pastors we are all amazed by how many students we have who attend church service without their parents.  Like an hour of free babysitting while they run around town checking things off the to-do list.  You don’t think that affects your students.  You don’t think that screams to your kids “Church is not Important!!!”  Of course it does, if you as mom and dad are not going then why should they?  It must be taught that church is a place of value not just a fun place to see your friends.

So yes, I am not going to sugar coat the issue, our kids are not leaving church because they see through the churches lies, or they are being won over by the world.  The truth is they were never in church in the first place.  They were just there, watching the show.

I am sure that thousands of parents passed Marc’s article out and posted it on facebook or sent it to their friends.  I know that I received it multiple times from parents, church leaders and elder members who are worried about the future of our children and the church.  But I am wondering how many of you read the article and felt a sense of guilt, or did you read it and feel like your local church needs to do more.

Because if you read it and felt guilt, then work out of that and start to address these issues with your own children and work to create a family environment that values church, faith and God.  If you sent the article out in hopes that it would challenge churches and church leaders to make drastic changes in their programs, then take a step back.  What does your program at home look like?  Are you more of a friend to your child then a parent?  Do you lead by example in the way you speak, drive, treat your spouse, your choice in music/ movies.  What about the things you invest your time in, and place importance on.  If you are hurrying your family to church because you had too many other “important” things going on then let me tell you again, It is not going to be the churches fault if your child grows up and leaves the church.

Quit making excuses, and passing out list of excuses that let parents off the hook.  It is time you stand up and teach your children what is important in life, and if you want church to be one of those important issues, THEN MAKE IT IMPORTANT.  Talk about church and why it is important for us as Christians to go to.  Talk about what it is and talk about what it isn’t.  Because it should not be the most important source of spiritual guidance; parents should be.  The church is here to help, but parents must be willing to take responsibility.

Letters of Hope

It is crazy to think that it has been 2 weeks since I lost a very close friend of mine, Lindsey.  It was not long after her passing that I wrote “What Lindsey Taught Me… After she Left”  I received great feed back on that post and many people thanked me for my words, but the truth is that was one of the easiest post I have ever written.  You see when you are writing about someone amazing it is easy to write something amazing.  When you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open people will naturally relate and will better understand.

It is amazing to me that a simple gesture of open reflection brought so much comfort to so many who read my words.  People who I have never meet responded to me with their own memory of Lindsey and the stories still continue to flow.  I do not want this post to be “downer” or a reminder of what I have lost, but an uplifting note that was inspired by a group of people who I had only meet for a few hours.

The weekend that Lindsey was in her car wreak I was at a conference in Fort Worth, Tx for an organization called Kids Hope USA. If you are a church leader I STRONGLY encourage you to check them out and bring their program to your community.  I had planned on being at the conference Friday and Saturday.  I heard of Lindsey’s passing on Friday night but thought that I could hold myself together well enough to continue through the training on Saturday, but I had underestimated my emotions.  After sitting in the conference for about 30 minuets I had to get up to take a phone call and during the phone call my heart was reminded of the loss and my emotions took over.  I told the conference coordinators  that I had to go, and they completely understood.  In fact they went back to my seat, packed my bags, drove me back to Midlothian (my home town) and saw that I got home safely.

While I really appreciated their effort and out pouring of love and comfort it was what happened 9 days later that was most encouraging.  When I arrived to my office the Tuesday following Lindsey’s memorial their was a package in my box.  I took it to my desk and opened it to find about 20 hand written notes from all the others who were attending the conference with me.  These people did not know me, they had sat next to me for a few hours while we listened to a man give training instructions.  They did not know Lindsey, they were not related to this event at all…. or were they?

Most all those letters contained the same message: Sorry for your loss, Lean on God, We are praying for you… you know the things you say to people when you don’t really know what to say.   But it was not the message within the notes that I loved, it was the act.  It was the fact that this group of people who did not really know me, took time to put pen to paper and write a short note of Hope.  When I opened that package my desk was “Showered” with encouragement.  I sat there for an hour reading letter after letter from people I did not know.  At the end of it all, I felt uplifted.  I felt encouraged, and I felt hopeful.  I realized they might not have been connected to the event, myself or Lindsey, but they were connect to the Faith that all of us share.

I am so grateful to be a part of a community of faith that is built on hope.   I am thankful to all those who were with me at the Kids Hope conference that weekend for their words of love and encouragement   I am thankful to Lindsey for reminding me of what Life is all about and I am thankful to her family and my God for allowing me to be a part of it.

This Post is a testimony about my God, the God who knows and understands our pain before we ever come to experience it.  I was surrounded by people of Faith in my time of sorrow, and while I did not know them personally, my God did.  It is through that connection that we were all connected to Lindsey.  I did not read their words as empty expressions, but as full of compassion, because our God is full of compassion.  The chains that bind us together are stronger then I ever thought before, but through this event I have come to realize that I am a part of the greatest community in the world.  In my time of need God provided through that community.

This will be my last post about Lindsey, not because I am forgetting her, but because I want to remember her by more then just my words.  I want my life to reflect her joy and her hope that she had in Christ.  May she sing louder then ever before and may her spirit fly to new heights with her savors hand in hers.

Challenge Today… Impact Tomorrow

Kids Hope Did.

What Lindsey taught me, after she left.

This weekend I lost someone very close to me.  Someone who I watched grow up to become an amazing woman.  Someone who had lived an incredible life because she refused to be held back.  While she was here with us she shared her excitement, joy and passion for life with everyone around her.  She never worried much about what people thought of her, she just always did what she thought was right.  She had an unshakeable faith in God through Christ and I am thankful I have her as a role model.

She was taken from this world far too soon.  She had lived a great life, but she had so much life left to live.  She had dreams and goals to do incredible things in the lives of others and I was excited to see what was to come.  This weekend that excitement has turned to wonder as she will never have the opportunity to continue to chase those dreams.  But then again, I guess she is currently living the ultimate dream.

Lindsey was a great person to have as a friend and her family was the best to talk too.  I spent summer after summer at their house swimming and playing video games with her brothers.  I would spend hours trying to beat her dad’s top score on his golf pin-ball machine, with no success…  But while I loved her family it was her that I was closest to.

This weekend I found myself working through the waves of emotions that come when you lose a family member or close friend.  I spent time expressing my emotions with others on Facebook and read story after story of how Lindsey affected the lives of others.  It was in these moments that I noticed something.  It was amazing to me that the loss of Lindsey did something incredible, it brought a community together without any of us physically being together.

The stories that were shared online were so detailed that you could picture yourself being there.  Sometimes I would be reading a memory from someone and then realize that I had been there.  The people Lindsey was close to were people that I had known for years, we all knew each other from various events, schools or activities.  I, however, had not talked with or seen most of these people in years.  I was not sure what was going on in their lives, where they lived, where they were going to school.  I had very limited information on most all of these people who were spending time remembering Lindsey but that did not matter.  On that day, during that moment we were all connected, we were all doing the same thing… Remembering.

It was amazing to me how one person could make a comment and it would bring back a flood of memories.  How one picture would remind me of that time that we did……

As I entered my morning trapped in my sorrow, I ended my day feeling up lifted; I even felt a little joy inside my heart.

That is when it hit me, only someone who lived a life full of joy could continue to bring joy even after they are gone.  The reason there were so many great memories was because Lindsey spent her life making great memories.  Yes she is gone, but she did not leave us with nothing, in fact she left us with everything!  She gave all that she had to the people she loved.  She poured herself into relationships with others.  She served with her arms and heart left open.  She never turned her back on a person in need.  She had a way about her that brought comfort in times of pain, and light in times of darkness.  And that is what she is still doing.

When I was hurting from her loss, when my soul was in a dark place of mourning, I felt it.  I felt her brighten my life, lift up my soul and remind me of the joy that she had for everything.  Yes I am so sad that she gone, but I am so overjoyed that I had the opportunity to have her in my life.

Let me leave you with this lesson I learned from Lindsey this weekend.

Life is too short to spend in fear.

And if that’s where you are, there is a hand that is near.

For you to take hold of, and grip with all your might,

Because one day you’re here, and your gone the next night.

Live life to the fullest,

Don’t worry about the road.

It’s not about the path that you travel,

But the people that you come to know.

And when it comes to people, treat them like a friend,

Because when your gone all that matters is what you left in them.

Did you do your best to show them what real love is all about.

Or did you speak of a faith that your life was lived without.

Did you dance to every song,

Not worried who would see?

Did you laugh at every joke,

And when you smile show all your teeth?

I did,

Not because I wanted your attention at the time,

But because I want you to remember to hold your hands up on the ride.

Because its short and you never know when it will end.

But if you have lived it right, your memories will bring joy to all your friends.

How are you living?

Challenge Today… Impact tomorrow.

Lindsey Did.

“The Dream” is still a dream

This past weekend many enjoyed an extra day off from work as our nation paused in Honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  While the day is viewed as a day to catch up on house work or visit the zoo it is a reminder of the man who challenged his society to open its eyes to a better world that is available to all.

This week I have thought about the meaning of a dream.  No, not the kind that make you toss and turn in your bed, but the kind that you find yourself lost in as you sit at your desk.  The kind of dream that carries you to a place of comfort and peace.  The kind of dream that when you are awakened to reality you quickly look around to see if any of the greatness you were just pulled from might have stuck around for a brief moment.   It is the kind of dream that King is most famous for.  A dream of a world that is safe for all.  Unfortunately, his dream and the dream of many is still… just a dream.
As I was waiting to meet with my “little brother” last Thursday at a local elementary school, I watched the classes come and go to the cafeteria for lunch.  I watched as they formed their lines and walked through the hallway one behind the other.  I found it interesting how well these little kids could follow the lead of the teacher in front of them.  The crowed flowed effortlessly through the hallways and within a matter of a few minutes 100 or so students had been led to where they belonged.  No fuss, no confusion, no questions asked.  As I think about this event in light of MLK day, I noticed that there was neither race separation nor class separation.  The kids did not seem to worry about who the person was that they were standing by, what they looked like or what the label on their jeans said.  They just went to where they were going; together.

I have always wondered at what point in life we lose the innocence of a child.  When do we begin to notice the differences between ourselves and everyone else?  When do we start to classify people and segregate them into groups of “good” and “bad,” “rich” and “poor?”  How do we learn who goes into what category and how do learn which one we belong in?

The truth is, it is learned.  From who?  Everyone.  I wish I had a different answer to this dilemma, but I must face reality.  Society teaches segregation and I fear it will always be that way.   Maybe not in the extremes that it was in the civil rights era, but it will always be.  That is because we as people feel like the only way to manage a society is to create some sort of segregation.  It is from this mentality that bullying, hate crimes, abuse and neglect all stem.  “I am better then you so I can do with you what I want” or “I am better then you so I cannot waste my time with someone like you.”

What if I told you that I do not believe the answer to the problems that our society faces are found in destroying racial, social, or economical classes?  That we need to look beyond “fixing” segregation or class warfare and live within it with a different mindset, see it through a different lens.

We will always have poor people and rich people.  We will always have black people and white people.  We will always have smart people and dumb people.  We will always have strong people and weak people.  But we can refuse to see each other as such. Galatians 3:28 reads “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

I do not believe the problem with our society is that we have people who have and people who don’t, that is simply the law of economics.  But why must we look at each other through a lens of hate?

Want to stop bullying, teach students to recognize the value of a person, not the differences.  Want to stop racial conflict, teach people to listen to the individuals story and they will find common ground.  I do not believe Galatians is setting the stage for complete equality, but for complete innocence; that of a child.  We are all people, and in Christ we are all redeemed.  But that does not change our skin color or are bank account.  We have to learn to value the individual.

This is not an easy concept, but at the same time it is.  It is so much easier then “fixing” segregation issue, I just don’t believe we can.  But I do believe we can change the stigma attached to different groups.  We have to be willing to be human.  To not build up a wall that blocks us from feeling.  We must not turn up our music so that we drowned out the cries of the hurting.  If we want to see our dream become reality, we have to allow ourselves to get lost in the lives and stories of those around us.

People are different, we always have been.  We are never going to be able to fix different, nor should we want to.  If we were not all different we would live in a boring world and life would be empty.  We need to embrace this world and the people in it.  We need to build bridges and not charge a toll to cross them.  We need to open our homes and expand our tables for people to come together to hear each other’s story.  The Human story is not told by one group but by all.  The first half has been depressing and sad.  It has driven people to erase their life and thus remove their story.  I am excited about the second half.  I am excited to see how we, the people of this world, come together and value life.  Yes, that is my dream, but starting today I will make it my reality.  Will you join me?

Challenge Today… Impact Tomorrow

-Steven