I was spending this morning going over my notes for a speech that I will be delivering a couple of times next month to a few different schools called Identity… Don’t live Defined. As I was working through my notes I was trying to think of a few clever “tag lines” that the audience could really grab on to and I started thinking about how quickly I label people or pigeonhole them. I can do this in a matter of seconds without ever speaking a word to them or ever taking the time to get to know their name much less their story.
I feel like this has become the root problem to many issues facing our youth today. Teens today are all about appearance and belonging (ok, so this is not a recent phenomenon) and it has become a very dangerous game in the world of adolescents. As humans we want to be able to identify things around us. We do not like living in a world of unknowns because it makes us uncomfortable. Relationships are the same thing, if we are around new people we begin to get uncomfortable and so we work to identify the new person as quickly as possible. This in itself is not a problem; in fact it is the natural progression of forming a relationship. It is not the act of identifying that is destroying our youth it is the fact that our youth are not identifying others at all, they are defining them.
Let me explain the difference, at least how I see it.
To identify someone takes time. When a new plant or animal is found before it is identified it is examined and time is taken to understand how it grows, works and lives. Based on the findings it is then classified as its kind and it is known and understood. This is a process and processes take time. There are times in which you think you know something only to dig a little deeper and realize that you are not correct (like the Platypus, could you imagine trying to identify that the first time!) Anyway, the point is that when you are searching for identity it takes time, it is an investment of self to learn about something or someone and it is not always easy.
To define someone is quick. It is the first impression mentality determined. It is decided based upon opinion of the information perceived. You look at an office building and you say “that is a big building.” It is generic; you don’t know the company’s name that owns it you just know it is a building. You are not “wrong” but you are not completely right either. However, you are not uncomfortable next to a building because you feel like you know what it is. Now take this concept and apply it to people. If a new student walks into a room others look at them and make a judgment. It is not that they are trying to be rude, it is just nature, and we want to know who they are. But we are too busy to take the time to identify them so we quickly define them. Based on their clothing, their hair style, tattoos, piercings, body odor, acne and body build we make a definition and thus create a world of problems.
If that definition given to a new student is one that students consider “cool” or “acceptable” then they will be given an opportunity to be identified. Other students will spend time with them, talk with them and share stories with them. Students will spend time at each other’s houses and get to know families and gain a great understanding of each other. Through this process true friendships are formed with the people that you relate best with and other friendships will fade in the process. This is the natural flow of relationship for some, but for others it is a dog eat dog world.
For all of those students who are not as lucky to receive an “acceptable” definition, they live their life defined by the one given to them. Unwanted “labels” vary greatly from school to school, but some common ones that you would rather not be associated with are the ones we are familiar with: Weird, poor, stupid, fat, slut, gay, weak… and I am sure you can make this list eternal. The point is there are some labels that students are giving each other that shut to door on them. When a student is labeled that is what they are known as, weather it is true or not. Since time is required to build relationships, these “defined” teens normally find themselves alone and questioning their self worth. People don’t know their story and frankly don’t care to listen to it, and so the “defined” individual begins to think that they might really not matter if no one will even take the time to give them a chance.
I said earlier that I believe this problem is the source to many other issues and here is why. While labels may not necessarily be earned, many teens, over time, will start to live up to them. A girl who has been “defined” as “Easy” or a “slut” before anyone even knew her story may, over time; begin to act out in such ways. It is this false idea that “if I begin to act like the thing they think I am then maybe I will be accepted.” Since teens want to feel validated, they will act in accordance with their “social rules” even if they do not necessarily agree with them. Being accepted takes priority over ethics and values and once that happens it is hard to stop destructive behavior.
The other side of this is when teens, to break out of a label, will act in the complete opposite. A student that is viewed as weak may begin to start fights to show he is strong. A teen that is seen as being too smart will begin to purposely fail to break away from a label they do not want. While these methods are attempts to escape the labels, other methods are used to escape the reality of living with them.
I believe that the most common way teens are dealing with living defined lives is by escaping reality using drugs, alcohol or self mutilation. For many teens this is a solution that is easy and personal. It is a hidden escape that they can control… until it starts to control them. (a conversation for another time)
While I have heard many people say that there is nothing we can do to keep students from judging and classifying each other, I do believe that there is something we can do to help the students who feel like they must live defined lives break away from them. I firmly believe that there is a way for teens to escape the world of labels that others have given them without a harmful aid.
I believe that we need to equip our youth with the skills to view themselves as more than a label and live their life based on their own identity. There is a way for youth to live a life free of definition; you just have to know how to start. It is time that we quit living our life based on what we have been told we are, and start living life based on what we KNOW we are.
For all you “labelers” out there: “you cannot give a title to a book until you know the story, so why do you try to label a person before you even know their name…”
Challenge Today… Impact Tomorrow
-Steven Adair
stevenadair 