It has been a few weeks since the article “Top 10 reason or Kids Leave Church” was published on Marc Yoder wordpress marc5solas. I found it very interesting to read and I spent a lot of time reading through the comments as well. I always find articles like this very interesting and they normally get me thinking. But all that I could think while working my way through this article was how it was a list of excuses.
Let me explain. It is not that I disagree with all of it, in fact he makes points that I do agree somewhat with. I thought that over all he had some great points that churches and leaders need to focus on, but I feel like he missed the key element. The reason that students leave church when they grow up is not due to the church being to relevant or not creating opportunities to experience God, it is that for this generation of young Christians, Church is simply not important to those in their life who should be teaching them values and what should be valued in life.
Marc began to hit on this in his final point but he spent 9 points before that leading up to this. Here is the deal; kids will value church, faith and God if they see people valuing church, faith and God. It does not matter if the pastor is wearing skinny jeans drinking a latte; if he is honoring God then students will learn to honor God. Why do churches invest thousands of dollars into creating an experience for kids, because that is the only way they are going to get them in the door! You can disagree with me all you want, but the truth of the matter is that if you are not offering some sort of experience, then teens will not come. And yes, truth be told, I will dress in whatever and host bible study in whatever venue to bring students to have the opportunity to hear the gospel, because that is what is important to me and that is what I value.
I do not feel young adults are simply turning their back on church once they leave home, I believe that they were never facing it in the first place, and neither are their parents!
THE reason students are leaving the church is because they have never been a part of one. Sure they might have attended a church service and spent time hanging out with a youth group a few times a month, but they were never in “Church.” Parents today do not take on the spiritual responsibility that belongs to them. They feel like that is what churches responsibility is, to teach their students spirituality. But the truth is that churches and church leaders have very limited time with the kids who are under their care. If parents are leaving all the spiritual guiding up to the church, the kids will never feel connected and once they are gone, they will never feel like they need to go back.
Parents must become the spiritual leaders of their kids. When was the last time that you did a family bible study together? What about a family service project. Never? Then don’t go about posting the article Marc wrote, because those top 10 reasons don’t apply to your kids. The top reason your child will leave church is you.
Harsh? Maybe. But it is the truth. Parents dedicate more time to helping their child learn to throw and hit a baseball then they do helping them understand the love of God. Parents will spend hours cheering on their daughter at her soccer tournament, or dance tournament but when it comes to spiritual accomplishments, they are not even paying attention.
And when church does try to help fill the spiritual needs of students with retreats or camps or summer mission trips, parents limit their students due to the cost or the time it will take away from their other activities. All the while they spend hundreds of dollars on new cleats, duffel bags and computers to make sure their little babies have the best equipment to be their very best and look their very best.
And what about example? If parents are leaning on church to be to sole provider of their child’s spiritual growth, then maybe they should be there as well. In speaking with fellow youth pastors we are all amazed by how many students we have who attend church service without their parents. Like an hour of free babysitting while they run around town checking things off the to-do list. You don’t think that affects your students. You don’t think that screams to your kids “Church is not Important!!!” Of course it does, if you as mom and dad are not going then why should they? It must be taught that church is a place of value not just a fun place to see your friends.
So yes, I am not going to sugar coat the issue, our kids are not leaving church because they see through the churches lies, or they are being won over by the world. The truth is they were never in church in the first place. They were just there, watching the show.
I am sure that thousands of parents passed Marc’s article out and posted it on facebook or sent it to their friends. I know that I received it multiple times from parents, church leaders and elder members who are worried about the future of our children and the church. But I am wondering how many of you read the article and felt a sense of guilt, or did you read it and feel like your local church needs to do more.
Because if you read it and felt guilt, then work out of that and start to address these issues with your own children and work to create a family environment that values church, faith and God. If you sent the article out in hopes that it would challenge churches and church leaders to make drastic changes in their programs, then take a step back. What does your program at home look like? Are you more of a friend to your child then a parent? Do you lead by example in the way you speak, drive, treat your spouse, your choice in music/ movies. What about the things you invest your time in, and place importance on. If you are hurrying your family to church because you had too many other “important” things going on then let me tell you again, It is not going to be the churches fault if your child grows up and leaves the church.
Quit making excuses, and passing out list of excuses that let parents off the hook. It is time you stand up and teach your children what is important in life, and if you want church to be one of those important issues, THEN MAKE IT IMPORTANT. Talk about church and why it is important for us as Christians to go to. Talk about what it is and talk about what it isn’t. Because it should not be the most important source of spiritual guidance; parents should be. The church is here to help, but parents must be willing to take responsibility.
stevenadair 
Great post, Steven. Sad, but true.
Right on.
Only thing I would have to add is at what point do you let the child take responsibility? While it comes upon a parent to do the best the can in helping spiritual development, Ezekiel 18:20 – the son will not bear punishment for the father, nor will the father be punished for the son.
Parents can try and take responsibility if they wish, but were talking about “kids” leaving the church, but the timeline considered here is after high school, when they are albeit young, but they are adults. They are empowered to make decisions for themselves. And if a parent feels guilty when their child leaves the church then maybe they could have done more, however it was still the kids decision. My parents hated when I left the church, I was gone for 6 years, and there wasn’t anything they could say or do to change that. Did they fail, or did I?
Owen, I understand your point, but it is not in line with the point of my post. I was responding to a post that gained alot of attention for its position of church based issues and not placing the responsibility where I believe it belongs, in the family. Yes, once a child leaves their home then their decisions are up to them and there is not much a parent can do at that point, but I am referring to the time they are in the home, which I believe is clear in my post. The issue is not at what point are parents off the hook. The issue I am addressing is that non-involved parents need to stop seeking excuses for not leading a life of faith by example. I believe that if families take seriously their responsibility to teach their children the value of faith and church then we will see less kids leave church upon leaving home. In reference to your parents, I will let my article speak for itself. How do you think they lived out their faith in the home?
So well said. Thank you for having the courage to say this, even if it’s going to be grossly unpopular with many.
I was thinking that the whole time I was writing it. Thanks for reading.
I don’t think you and Marc are disagreeing. As a parent, I am the church. Kids are the church, singles are the church, teens are the church, elderly members are the church. The church is not “them”, it is me. When Marc says “we” do this or don’t do that, I think he means exactly that–we need to think about what we do, how we do it, and why. Identifying problems in the church does nothing to absolve me of responsibility, because I too am a member of Christ’s body. Thank you for pointing that out.
I hear what you say, honestly. I was a youth minister for 20 years and a Senior minister for 10.
Yet, is there some exaggeration here?
First, I know, and have known many parents who love God and in their every day lives point to Him and pray daily for their children. They didn’t “study the Bible” with their children though. But they certainly talked about him, and lived their lives honoring him. Some of their kids turned out OK, some didn’t. It happens. I also detect (and I could be very wrong) a subtle view that faithfulness is equated to a formal assembly or participation in a programmatic model of church. As a guy who attends a house church, whose teenager has no desire to attend a youth group (“Why would I want to do that? I belong here–I’d just be an attendance figure somewhere else”), I have taken a different view than I used to have as a young youth minister.
To be fair, I haven’t read Marc’s article. And granted, if someone is merely playing at the Christianity game, well, they shouldn’t expect their kids to turn out differently. But I also think the problem we are experiencing is more multifaceted than just parents being uncommitted or under-committed. Part of the problem: yes. Most of the problem? I won’t go that far. And perhaps you aren’t going that far either. It’s just my impression.
But thanks for opening up the discussion.